Sooooo, its been a while! HA.. my bad!
So if you follow me on Facecbook or Instagram you know I did another competition and well lets just say yes, it was fun.. but in all honesty I felt like I brought a worse package to the stage the second time around ( even thought I know I didn’t necessarily “look” bad, I just knew what I was capable of and what I brought wasn’t that!) And the goal is to always bring a better package to the stage when moving forward in shows.
On the flip side of things I also made it a goal of mine to not gorge myself after this show like I did with my first one and I absolutely and am SOOOO proud to say I accomplished that goal! YAY! I ate what I wanted, when I was hungry and didn’t have one bit of guilt! #thatsthetruewinyo! I definitely was ready for my clean diet though after my day of freedom. haha. With that being said though, my original plan was to jump right into another prep for another show as a way to prove to myself that I can handle the post-show rebound gain. In all reality, I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone nor myself because I know I’m in charge of everything within my own life ( emotions, goals, beliefs, decisions etc.)
As my coach brought to my attention that my metabolism is pretty much at a halt with the difficulty of my last prep, he suggested we work on fixing me (my metabolism) rather than worrying about the stage. Don’t get me wrong .. I cried for about 10 min lol… and not really about the fact of not being able to do the show either. It was more of the need to prove to myself I could be the little bad ass, have some amazing pancakes and a nice dinner without eating my entire kitchen and continue being a little bad ass and do another show. hahhahaha.
So back to him “suggesting” we not do the show- I already saw this coming I think it just was more of a realization that I’m going to continue having harder and harder preps if I don’t actually take the time to learn to work WITH my body rather than ON it. With the 4-5 years under me with the actual weight loss, the before factors of this journey with the yo-yo dieting and just learning to control my mindset to get me here has been a journey in itself! And what I’m about to do is probably going to be harder than losing the weight in the first place. Why do I say that? Because I’m a fricken Capricorn and I need goals lmao! I need deadlines and schedules and organization and so on. I’ve always been that way, the type A personality and when one thing is off its like 4 other things decide to be “off” and its harder than hell to get myself out of the “off rut”. Not only that, but last time we tried to do the “reverse diet” (explained later on) I kept caving on different foods, not being able to stop at times ( binging) and it was like a cycle of me wanting to fix myself and me being 100% on point.
So at this point you may be asking yourself .. ” what’s the big deal?, You’ve lost the weight, and look great!” or “one chocolate or slip wont hurt you” … well yes, yes I have lost yhe weight and no one slip doesnt hurt me… but many slips do and like i stated before irs a cycle… I’m not quite sure if the fact that I have lost the weight is the issue I’m having trouble realizing yet… I do know that since I have lost the weight, I don’t feel like its such a NEED to lose it…. But ya see, when I do decide to indulge, or eat out, or have something I normally don’t eat, I gain SO easily and i have a tendency to not know when to quit now…. ( here’s the part about me having a metabolism that’s shot! ie. metabolic damage) I should be able to enjoy a cheat meal here and there, and not have to do cardio 6 days a week and have so much energy to accomplish my entire day .. whotout coffee or pre workout OR just feeling drained in general… because the whole goal was to be healthy right? Well since my body has grown accustom to 30+ min of cardio and so many ( or should I say little ) calories, whenever I lower my workouts or add extra foods ( especially ones my body doesn’t necessarily recognize anymore) it stores it… just fricken stores it all! ….. that bastard! So how does one “fix” a worn out from dieting metabolism? .. its called reverse diet!
So when my coach told me we should fix this, of course I agreed to the challenge. duh, it was either kill myself for another 5 weeks just to step on stage for 10 min or take care of the problem at hand and the real goal I set out to do in the first place. ….. Now…. here’s why this post is happening.. since I don’t have a show ( ie. I wont have however many people staring at me in a teeny tiny bikini) I tend to get in my own way, I slack and the other week I told myself I could handle eating a tiny piece of 80% dark chocolate … that turned into 3/4 of the bar. As I looked down and realized hat I was doing ( the cycle was happening again and I wasn’t about to let this control me for ANOTHER year) I pretty much smashed the rest of the bar in rage… and then hid the evidence. Yes, I told my coach because what help can he be if I just lie.
So I’ve been planning on doing a whole documentary type of thing of this reverse diet on my blog (like my first competition) .. for myself more or less and to share it with you all…but still haven’t gotten to actually writing the post. WHY? well after I ate a stupid granola bar, (YUP … that just happened #sorrycoach ) I realized I’ve been putting off this post in fear that I wont be able to commit, to get out of my comfort zone and actually kick ass and possibly surprise myself. Another reason I think is that I absolutely HATE admitting to failure, even thought I’m getting better at admitting when I mess up, its still not something I don’t think anyone looks forward to. I also have this stupid feeling of the fact that I have created this insane life of being that health nut, nutrition guru and someone a lot of people seem to look up to and ask advice from; its hard to admit your having issues with food, body insecurities and then having to admit my many years of kicking ass has brought me to this halt – that’s my slow metabolism. ( which I’m learning is a VERY common thing among people who have dieted for many years- and could be the same issue with others who may feel like no matter how hard they diet its still at a slowing process. ).
But guess what I know about that little thing called fear….. it does absolutely nothing for you. What good does it do? Cause more stress, ok great that’s going to do wonders for my metabolism and body……. NOT! So without much adu, here we go! I counted the days on my calendar ( its technically 103 days till the end of the year but as I devoured the granola bar…. I decided I wasn’t going to wait till Wednesday, nor wait any longer for that matter). 100 days of consistency aka reverse diet! I will do my best not to whine too much hahahaa.
Here’s to concurring myself, to learning to heal myself from the inside out mentally, physically and emotionally. To not being worried about what could happen or go wrong and to live in the moment and look forward to what can go right. To not being ashamed of my failures because they make me stronger, and to take the time to celebrate when I have triumphs and personal accomplishments. To not be fearful of what I cant do and be empowered by what I know I CAN do. Because my life is my choice… and I choose to be healthy in a well-rounded way. Nothing will stop me, and though all this, I’ve learned hesitation, fear, and doubt is only a dream killer and will always be only that. So do things that make you happy, that challenge you and may seem extremely difficult at times, that make you a stronger individual, that test your knowledge, strength, drive, courage and soul. Open your heart to whatever it is in life and it will be open to accepting you. It may be hard at times, but by god , it WILL BE WORTH IT.
this is now ^ little fluffier but ok with it. . . . I got work ahead of me and weight isn’t all its about.! Healthy, happy and trusting this new process is the true goal!