So this isn’t going to be one of my “normal” posts.. this isn’t about the latest workouts or a new recipe. Its about learning to love yourself =)
So the other day I got to thinking.. and partially looking at my strange addiction of health and fitness books I’ve accumulated over the years. And I thought of all the times when I was younger that I let my weight consume my life. Whether it was me not wanting to go to Easter with family because I had spent the entire morning trying on every piece of clothing I had in my closet and none of them made me look thin enough, or if it was just a group of friends wanting to go swimming in the summer.
I catch myself from time to time (Well Evan; my boyfriend, catches me now mostly) still behaving like this even though I’m not 210 anymore. I should feel more confident now right?! .. which I do… to an extent.
So the other day it was nice out, I put on a pretty yellow sundress and I automatically remembered how I used to look in it…. and that image just kept haunting me … and I started doing my passing thing that I do from my closet, to the bathroom mirror. Back and forth. Taking off the dress, putting on shorts and a talk top, to back to the dress, to just standing there in my bra and panties not know what the hell I want. Its quite frustrating… Finally, Evan (he knows me pretty well by now.. lol) Evan was like ” will you stop it the dress looked fine!…besides I like you in dresses.” So I put the dress back on and decide to ignore the ugly voice inside my head telling me I look horrible. Later that day I got a few complements on that same very dress and it just goes to show you… don’t doubt yourself. And don’t always think the worse.
This is the pic that was coming back to me BTW. . . . not as horrible as I remembered..
So back to my thoughts, I remember all the things I didn’t do because I thought I was fat. Swimming, family get together’s (partially some of those, was the fact that I was afraid of the comments I would get … ) , college parties, shopping ect. Sometimes it wasn’t even the comments I would get either, it would be the fact that I felt so insecure in my own skin that I would “think” they were thinking rude fat comments about me and just get that awkward feeling while your in the same room as them. . . . I seriously doubt they thought some of the things I felt about myself, since I know most of those things were pretty harsh.
I remember telling my mom ( who is a bigger lady, with a heart full of love.. so she understood) that I didn’t want to go to some holiday function and I begged her to just lie and say I was sick. Tell them anything but the truth basically. And she did, which at the time I was grateful for, but really I should have just sucked it up and went… the only one that was missing out was me.
Or like the summer when I stopped going to the lake every summer, or even today they still invite me and I still get that voice in my head, am I good enough? have I lost enough to go? I still deep down feel like I would be the biggest one there if I were to go..
I remember the Christmas Eve when I was planning to tell all my family to basically accept me the way I was or leave me out of their lives… I had it all planned out too. What I was going to say, how certain people made me feel..And honestly now that I look back, I don’t think they really realized how I felt anyways.. Like I don’t think they meant to make me feel that way ether. I think it was a combination of my insecurity tied in with the voice in my head with only a few comments here and there. So to me it was like Hell where as in all reality it probably wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be at the time. Needless to say, sice my mother knew of my plan, she made sure that none of the family would say anything about my weight because “I was having a hard time with it” … So… all in all .. I cant snap and make a scene if no one makes a comment….. ! I was PISSED lol. I remember being livid. The ONE time they don’t say anything, and I have this HUGE plan.. they don’t say anything?! WTF. So I was mad at my mom for about a week and then finally let it go a decided it was probably good that I didn’t blow up on Christmas Eve. Ha-ha.
I have so many friends who are insecure..And I have some that are SOO confident beyond control. (or maybe they are really good at being themselves – which I think that’s the truth if it) The more you accept yourself for you- the more beautiful you’ll shine.
Even though I was bigger in this.. look at my confidence… =)
So the more I realize that weight isn’t the most important thing in the world ( but it still is very high on my list) The easier it is to accept myself for who I am. I’m not a pant size, nor a dress size. I’m not someone who misses the fun in life, and I’m not one to think low of myself anymore. I’m me. That’s all I can be and I’m still (at the age of 24) learning this.. slowly I might add. Yes I may switch back and forth with tons of different diets and drive myself and everyone around me nuts while I’m doing so. But that’s who I am, no matter what I do with my life, who I have in it or not in it, or where I go.. I’m me. And I’m beautiful no matter what I weight.
So my advice, figure out who you are and embrace it, Love yourself and tell yourself you’re beautiful everyday. Because you are.
me now. Same yellow dress =) Not as great quality of picture though haha.